Do Better

Sometimes I feel like when I am speaking to the father of my children, I am speaking another language. For as long as I can remember, he has never received the things that I say, the way that they are intended to be understood.

It's very frustrating when I say, "This is blue," but he hears, "This is red."

That, of course, is just an example, and not meant to be taken literally.

My job as a mother is to support, care for, and guide my children into caring and capable adults. As the sole provider, I make sure there is a roof over their head, clean, running water, electricity, heat and air conditioning, food on the table, a car with gas to get them where they need to be, and so much more. Living alone and surviving on one income makes this even more challenging.

Their Dad and my arrangement is that I have the girls full-time, and he gets them every other weekend. When added up, that means that out of 365 days a year, I have them 313 days out of the year, and he has them 52 - and that is only IF he gets them when he is supposed to. That equates to my 86% and his 14%.

Sadly, their dad is very inconsistent. When he shows up, he is actually an amazing father, and sometimes I believe he's a better parent than me, but I wonder if I would feel that way if the time was more evenly divided.

You see, he spends the majority of his days expressing his free will. He wakes up without needing to get anyone ready beside himself. He does not have to feed anyone else. He does not have to bathe anyone else. He doesn't even have to cover bills all by himself. I wonder what it's like to have that type of freedom and autonomy over your own life.

Now, don't get me wrong, I absolutely love and adore my children, but I can't help to resent him for the amount of freedom that he has.

When we speak to each other, it's as if we speak two different languages. When I say, "Please communicate with me if you are not getting them on your weekend," he hears "I don't care about you or your problems, I'm a selfish bitch, fuck you, kiss my feet, and bow down to my every wish."

Sounds a bit dramatic, but that is exactly how our conversations go.

This weekend was supposed to be his, and as always, I reached out several days in advance to ensure he was getting our children for the weekend because I get to go to my second job (which I love btw) ...only to find out that he is out of the state and not getting the girls.

I think any person in their right mind would find this massively inconsiderate, regardless of what the circumstances of his trip are.

Is it really too much to ask to request communication and a heads-up that he would not be fulfilling his duties as a father?

I don't think I am asking for much. In fact, I KNOW I am not.

If you want some background, his girlfriend's grandparents are ill and being moved to hospice (supposedly).

Anyone who knows me would probably describe me as caring, selfless, and understanding. So, with that said, I am completely sympathetic to the circumstances that take him away from his parental duties, however, the problem remains that he had zero intention of telling me and threw me to the wolves to figure it out on my own, and that's not fair. It's not fair to me, the girls, and whoever I have to get to babysit the kids.

I could have written this so much better, but to be honest, I just needed a minute to vent, to share the frustrating times that I am going through.

I wish he would do better, not for me, but for his daughters. They deserve consistency, they deserve phone calls and random check ins.

I deserve a better coparent. I deserve more, too.

I wish he would do better.